I am totally not thinking about babies. Whenever I so much as think about thinking about babies, I will instantly channel that anxious energy directly into some amazing crafty knitting. DIY or die, motherfuckers! Hardcore!

At the moment, I am channeling my creative energy into a dull mint green cotton sampler in garter stitch, and after that I’m going to make an angsty dishcloth.  But then!  Maybe in a few months!  I will be able to make wistful little hats and maybe I could make entire baby blankets for all those babies that my friends are cooking.

I bought an instructional book for knitting and crochet, which includes illustrations showing how to hold the yarn, and plenty of hideous projects complete with photos of uncomfortable-looking husbands grimacing in handknit sweaters.

The best project of them all is the cell phone cosy:

The least practical fashion accessory of all time!

The least practical fashion accessory of all time!

Imagine that you are in a crowded elevator, and your phone starts ringing in your stylish black leather purse. Perhaps it is playing a rousing synth strings rendition of “My Heart Will Go On”. Imagine the look on the faces of your friends or coworkers as you whip out that fuzzy pink number, and begin struggling to undo the button. The look is clearly one of envy.

The task of extracting the phone requires both hands, so you hold the strap of your stylish purse in your bared teeth By the time you have torn off the button and uncozied your phone you have missed the call. No matter.  Take your purse out of your teeth, and pick the shreds of pink yarn off your uncomfortable handknit sweater and get ready to receive compliments on your personal style!

I have an intense and perverse desire to make one of these suckers and donate it to a particularly irksome Christmas raffle that I help organize every year for my local professional association. It would really stand out from the corporate swag and monogrammed golf shirts that we normally give away.