I’m just at the end of a fertility cycle. The next one, starting in June, was planned to be our first cycle of trying to conceive, but Z convinced me that my reasons for waiting one more cycle weren’t the most logical, so we went ahead with this cycle.

Due to time changes, weird sleep patterns, and other hazards of traveling, I have no fertility chart to speak of this cycle, which means I’m completely in the dark in terms of clues to interpret. Based on my Canadian pregnancy book, chances are about 80% that this cycle isn’t the one, but I’m obsessed anyways.

My original plan was to test tomorrow morning (my cycles do fluctuate, but an average cycle would have ended today), but a sensible person would wait at least one more day. Pregnancy tests cost 15 bucks each!  We’ll see how patient I feel tomorrow morning.

In anticipation of the big fat negative I mostly expect tomorrow or Friday, I’ve been proactively combatting disappointment by thinking of what we still want to do before kids:

– Visit my extended family in the town I grew up in

– Start weight training with kettlebells

– Get back to running at least 5km

– Focus on work and professional development

– Move to a new apartment with room for a kid or two

– Go camping

Nina Planck observes that the experience of parenthood laughs at perceived control. If parenting is letting go, then waiting to conceive (or being blessed or cursed with a “surprise”) is just the beginning.

I wish I could be easy-going, casually and wisely waiting to let things happen. I don’t want to be type A about this, but we’ve been waiting for so long.

Next cycle. Next cycle I will chart, and try to focus on those non-kids list of things to do!

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