I stopped by the library on my way home from work to pick up a book called The Panic-Free Pregnancy.  I had high hopes it would help me chill out, answering some questions about what to eat and which supplements to take. Indeed, it does offer some reassuring words about medications and diet.

However, of course, I immediately dove into the chapter on miscarriage. This doctor says that in advance of six weeks of pregnancy you are more than likely to lose the pregnancy than to keep it. He recommends not even peeing on a stick until your period is at least 2 to 4 weeks late. That way you are theoretically spared even knowing about about your early miscarriages, since they are more common than healthy pregnancies, and can just consider them late periods.

Reallly? Miscarriages after a missed period are more common than healthy pregnancies? Why haven’t I heard this elsewhere? The “data” on miscarriage seems to vary wildly from one source to another, so I’m not convinced. Nonetheless, At 4w4d, I am the opposite of reassured.

I try not to invest too many dreams in this little embryo and to focus on other things, but the truth is I will be seriously bummed if this pregnancy is lost. Before tonight, I thought the chances of a successful pregnancy were at least in a woman’s favour at the time of a positive test, but now I’m not sure.

It’s probably best not to worry. It’s best to be a perma-mellow fertility goddess alternately reclining serenely and performing feats of strength, and accepting her babies and miscarriages when they come, but this mindset doesn’t come naturally to me. Whether it’s all in my worried head or whether I do have some legit symptoms like fatigue and abdominal weirdness, I feel a little… fragile, like any little bump might shake this orange-seed embryo right out of its nest.

Also contrary to other things I’ve read, Panic-Free Pregnancy advises to exercise merrily, and even to go ahead and start new regimens. Exercise helps relieve stress, and keeps you healthy. Therefore even though I don’t feel like it, and it’s cold and dark out, I’m going for a damn run.