I would like to take this opportunity to share a verbose montage of graceful moments from my evening. They involve two basic themes: my clothes don’t fit, and I am taking a shitload of vitamins.

My Work Clothes Don’t Fit

First of all, I learned yesterday that tomorrow I must attend a fancy-ass meeting – like seriously fancy, might be broadcast on community television that a whole 5 people might watch – and my “weddings and funerals” blazer is looking hilarious. It fit OK when I was interviewing for my first secretary job in 2005, but I’ve gotten a little plumper and a whole lot more boobalicious since then, and then I got 18 weeks 6 days pregnant. It’s not like the fetus is to blame for this entire fashion crisis, but it is not helping either.

So I spent the evening shopping for a maternity blazer. Of my two local maternity stores, one had a ton of blazers for approximately $200 each, so fuck that. The other one had a single, solitary black polyester blazer, which was only slightly too small, but was also the ugliest thing you have ever laid eyes on.

In a desperate stop at the discount department store, I found a non-maternity, cheap-ass, cotton-and-polyester half-blazer, half-sweater that fits over (nay, disguises) the belly and looks mostly acceptable, when seen from a great distance of course. So I called it a day, and headed home to make some last-minute alternations on the damn thing (i.e. cutting off the ruffles).

The adequate blazer. The ruffles have since been excised with scissors.

Vitamins

The fish oil which my midwives say will make the baby smart come in capsules approximately the size of my little finger. I am not kidding. They are enormous, and I don’t know how anybody ever swallows them. (And no, they’re not suppositories. But man would that be a whole new level of gross if they were.)

The bottle says to take 4-6 a day, but I draw the line at 3. I bite little holes in them and squeeze the oil into a spoon, before making a face and taking it with a glass of water. Sometimes the process goes awry and a little oil spills into the sink, or perhaps onto the floor where the cats can come and sniff at it excitedly.

This evening, I managed to not only miss the spoon, but squirt fish oil at high velocity all over every single thing I was wearing, except the socks. It even soaked through to my undershirt. Amazing!

My whole outfit is now in the wash. Thank the goddess it wasn’t my hard won fancy-meeting outfit for tomorrow. And I only have 2 more vitamins to take before bedtime.

***

On the upside, I am feeling all kinds of mysterious discomforts in my abdomen that are probably fetus aerobics, at least some of the time.

We got to hear the heartbeat again today at the midwife’s, which is always pretty awesome.

Next week I get to overfill my bladder and go for the big “anatomy ultrasound”, where we’ll get what is probably our last glimpse at the fetus before its birth. With any luck, we’ll find out the sex, and get to SEE him or her squirming around in real time. That will be pretty awesome, and I’ll forgive it the fish oil.

This kid better turn out really smart, though.

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