Meditations on the close of 2009. Lengthy, wordy meditations.

Let go of what was bad about the past year.
– The frustrations of summer renovations with my mom, with attendant insecurities about her control over my finances/apartment/life and her scowling disapproval of my relationship.

– Angst and lack of sleep thanks to my procrastination and crappy time management.

– Anxiety about my job prospects after school.

– Actually, plain old anxiety. I had some terrible panic attacks this year, which left me almost unable to continue my job playing music, and affected my ability to attend class.

– Wistfulness, obsession, sadness over (voluntary) childlessness

– Missing friends who moved out of town in 2008.

– Z and I have not done as well as we could have about getting in shape. He is in worse shape than me and I have worried about his health every day.

Celebrate what was good about the past year.
– School has been overall pretty awesome, and I’m pulling in good grades.

– By the end of the year, I arrived at a general topic to narrow down for my final project, which means that the end of my masters is in sight!

– I have become friends with some really fantastic classmates

– The planning community has been completely awesome to me, and I made a few professional connections.

– Some really fantastic babies were born to my friends and family, and I got some great time with my little “nephew” I. The last few days of 2009 will be spent in my home prairie town getting to know my new second cousin. That will be the best way to end the year.

– My relationship with Z has continued to be my rock, my foundation. Whenever I am fraught about something, he helps me to sort it out. We care for each other in small ways on a daily basis which make life at home warm and wonderful.

Set a direction for the new year ahead.

– Doing a good, inspired but sensibly scoped job on my final project.

– Graduating! Ideally before September!

– Getting ready to tackle a beginners’ triathlon this summer, and coaxing, cajoling, pleading, inspiring and motivating Z to fulfill his own desire to do the same. This needs to involve a day-by-day commitment to make time, schedule workouts, communicate with Z.

– Getting a fricking job. Holy shit, becoming a two-income household in which I actually contribute to our living expenses in a meaningful way. Pulling this one off –in such a shitty economy right now for local government – is going to involve patience, dedication and flexibility. If I can find nothing but temporary work, which is totally possible, it might involve selling the apartment (Nonononono!) and moving around a bunch. Here’s hoping that’s not how it goes, but I hope I can pull off the serenity to handle that transition period and make sensible decisions. Also, if I get a total miracle job (local, permanent) then I need to be patient with whatever happens with Z’s work. I can be the gracious breadwinner if that’s what needs to happen in terms of him getting more training or whatever.

– Coming to terms with how I feel about marriage. If we want to get married before having kids, 2010 would be a great time. I still have all kinds of doubts and anxieties about the formal institution of marriage (perfectly expressed here) which are compounded with my dread of dealing with my mom’s disapproval and all the awful things she is going to say, and her dragging me to lawyers and making me feel like an idiot, and how old am I again? Yeah, marriage. I’m going to do some reading.

– Trying for a baby in 2011 is our goal, but in an amazing, perfect world, we could start next year this time. My employment situation is the critical deciding factor.