Posts tagged ‘navel-gazing’

Happy Due Date To Me

Today is little boy’s due date, and I’m so pleased to have refused to give that information out to the general public. Nonetheless, the midwives certainly know. I’m not particularly looking forward to this afternoon’s appointment, since they have been keen on my “not going post-dates” due to the giant baby syndrome.

After my last week’s appointment, the midwives and my acupuncturist (the latter based on an analysis of my pulse) figured the baby would be here pretty soon. But then I caught the cold of doom (like, #5 of this pregnancy?) and basically lay on the couch coughing for several days. I asked baby to stay in until I could breathe, eat and sleep again, and he has obliged. While I’m still snotty and coughing, my energy is just now returning, to the point where I think I could handle labour and birth.

I kind of wish we had never heard of the giant baby thing, because I’m pretty happy to keep lumbering along, knitting, marvelling at my spectacular stretch marks, and doing little jobs around the house until baby decides he’s ready to join us. And basically, that’s how I feel. For what intuition is worth, I feel like baby is fine too. He’s doing lots of dancing and wriggling in there.

My belly, looking all pretty after henna at my awesome Blessingway at 37 weeks.

My plan for today’s appointment is to accept another stretch and sweep (#3! Woohoo!), but not the “labour cocktail” they will offer. The latter is an unholy purging brew containing castor oil, cohosh, and other deliciousness. I’m not afraid of pooping for hours, but I am kind of afraid of what happens if it makes me really really ill (like it sometimes does, I believe) and then I start labour weakened and dehydrated. That sounds like a terrible plan.

But I do also want to note, at this special juncture, a bit of the mindfuck that is late pregnancy, especially when your caregivers want the baby out (which is not in any way unique to me. In fact my caregivers are so damn awesome and chill compared to the norm, I count my blessings all the time). On the one hand, babies come when they are ready. You should just chill out and let them arrive. But on the other hand, maybe your own fears and anxieties are keeping the baby in! I’m not looking forward to labour enough. I’m not doing enough squats, walking, sex, pelvic tilts, or yoga. When I think that there will be a baby here pretty soon, I still feel like “holy shit, really? are we ready?” instead of “come to us, baby, just as I envision you in daily meditations”.

I am, at least, eating enough pineapple. Nobody could accuse me of less.

State of the Pregnant Lady: 10.5 weeks

10 1/2 weeks is a strange place to be. I don’t look pregnant to the untrained eye, but I feel fat and exhausted and none of my damn clothes fit.

In preparation for moving house next weekend, I sorted through my wardrobe, separated out everything that no longer fits, and put it into a big plastic bin.The shirts don’t button over my boobs and/or belly, and the pants don’t do up around the waist. It feels like they will never fit again, but we’ll see in about a year.  It will be an incentive to go jogging postpartum.

What to wear to work these days is a challenge, especially since I’m trying not to look pregnant. The belly band is a beautiful thing, but it doesn’t help with shirts. Once we announce the pregnancy in two weeks, maybe some mom friends will lend me their old maternity clothes.

All the clothes that won't fit for another year

On the food front, I don’t have strong cravings per se, but have been eating strangely. Once I lived for chocolate, but on Thursday I made a special trip to the grocery store to buy apples, applesauce and apple juice.

Yesterday’s blood test revealed low hemocrit levels, which is no fun. I had hoped to avoid the need for iron supplements because they caused terrible side effects for some pregnant friends. So this evening at my insistence, Z and I went out for oysters because I read they are very high in iron. It turns out they were gross and I dislike oysters, but it was a good effort. I’ll step up the dried apricots instead.

Overall, I feel emotionally pretty good, with the occasional foray into panic about miscarriage or becoming a bad parent. Physically, I am really tired but only a little bit sickly. (Thank you Diclectin!) It’s hard to mentally separate physical exhaustion from depression. I do just want to lie on the couch all day, but I’m not sad, just tired.

I miss the energy to exercise and do more than read and nap in the evenings. Maybe it will return in the mythical second trimester!

Worried Mind

I stopped by the library on my way home from work to pick up a book called The Panic-Free Pregnancy.  I had high hopes it would help me chill out, answering some questions about what to eat and which supplements to take. Indeed, it does offer some reassuring words about medications and diet.

However, of course, I immediately dove into the chapter on miscarriage. This doctor says that in advance of six weeks of pregnancy you are more than likely to lose the pregnancy than to keep it. He recommends not even peeing on a stick until your period is at least 2 to 4 weeks late. That way you are theoretically spared even knowing about about your early miscarriages, since they are more common than healthy pregnancies, and can just consider them late periods.

Reallly? Miscarriages after a missed period are more common than healthy pregnancies? Why haven’t I heard this elsewhere? The “data” on miscarriage seems to vary wildly from one source to another, so I’m not convinced. Nonetheless, At 4w4d, I am the opposite of reassured.

I try not to invest too many dreams in this little embryo and to focus on other things, but the truth is I will be seriously bummed if this pregnancy is lost. Before tonight, I thought the chances of a successful pregnancy were at least in a woman’s favour at the time of a positive test, but now I’m not sure.

It’s probably best not to worry. It’s best to be a perma-mellow fertility goddess alternately reclining serenely and performing feats of strength, and accepting her babies and miscarriages when they come, but this mindset doesn’t come naturally to me. Whether it’s all in my worried head or whether I do have some legit symptoms like fatigue and abdominal weirdness, I feel a little… fragile, like any little bump might shake this orange-seed embryo right out of its nest.

Also contrary to other things I’ve read, Panic-Free Pregnancy advises to exercise merrily, and even to go ahead and start new regimens. Exercise helps relieve stress, and keeps you healthy. Therefore even though I don’t feel like it, and it’s cold and dark out, I’m going for a damn run.

Here We Go

I’m just at the end of a fertility cycle. The next one, starting in June, was planned to be our first cycle of trying to conceive, but Z convinced me that my reasons for waiting one more cycle weren’t the most logical, so we went ahead with this cycle.

Due to time changes, weird sleep patterns, and other hazards of traveling, I have no fertility chart to speak of this cycle, which means I’m completely in the dark in terms of clues to interpret. Based on my Canadian pregnancy book, chances are about 80% that this cycle isn’t the one, but I’m obsessed anyways.

My original plan was to test tomorrow morning (my cycles do fluctuate, but an average cycle would have ended today), but a sensible person would wait at least one more day. Pregnancy tests cost 15 bucks each!  We’ll see how patient I feel tomorrow morning.

In anticipation of the big fat negative I mostly expect tomorrow or Friday, I’ve been proactively combatting disappointment by thinking of what we still want to do before kids:

– Visit my extended family in the town I grew up in

– Start weight training with kettlebells

– Get back to running at least 5km

– Focus on work and professional development

– Move to a new apartment with room for a kid or two

– Go camping

Nina Planck observes that the experience of parenthood laughs at perceived control. If parenting is letting go, then waiting to conceive (or being blessed or cursed with a “surprise”) is just the beginning.

I wish I could be easy-going, casually and wisely waiting to let things happen. I don’t want to be type A about this, but we’ve been waiting for so long.

Next cycle. Next cycle I will chart, and try to focus on those non-kids list of things to do!

Resume Updating

It’s hard to believe I’m at that point in my program when it’s time to polish up/ completely reinvent the old resume and put myself back on the job market.

Reviewing my old job descriptions is reminding me, guiltily, of the lack of enthusiasm I brought to some of my old jobs. They did not spark my fire, which is why I went back to school for a masters’ in something I cared about.

Whatever job I am lucky enough to find after graduation is going to be an opportunity for me to prove to myself that if I care about something I can do a good job. Not just a good job from a supervisor’s perspective, but my own best.