Posts tagged ‘weddin’

The other side

Here we are, in the new year! Things got too crazy to post for a few months, but we had quite a civilized little wedding (thank you, family). Then, last week, I started my new job!  The job, unlike the husband, is still too new and unfamiliar for me to have a clear sense of, but I do intend to make the very best of it, and keep it for a good long time if I can.

Some resolutions for 2011, from my Evernote file:

  • Be on time for stuff
  • No complaining about being busy
  • Make time for friends
  • Stop feeling guilty

So far, I’ve been doing pretty well on all except maybe #4. I need to work harder at #3.

In 2011, in addition to the above we look forward to:

  • going on a honeymoon!
  • settling down in my job and developing expertise (i.e. getting good at it)
  • having a wedding reception, about 9 months after the wedding
  • eating better
  • visiting my family on the prairies
  • trying to conceive our first child
  • dwelling-hunting

Here’s to new beginnings, and to long slow patient happinesses.

Shifty

The future is so shifty.

This upcoming wedding, which is quickly materializing, feels on some level strange and unprecedented.

I am applying for a job I really want but can’t imagine having.

We want to raise children in the most desperate and sincere way, but at the same time, the very concept seems utterly foreign, bizarre, impossible.

Life gets crazier and crazier. I think I like it.

Announced!

We made the announcement to my parents over dinner, and everyone was very civilized.  Thank goddess. Sometimes I underestimate my parents.

After dinner, I called my closest cousin A to give her the news and invite her and her partner. The last person to tell will be my godmother/aunt, to whom I also have to break the news that she’s not invited. Hopefully she understands the cost and time reasons we are planning such a tiny wedding.

Having told the families is a huge load off my mind! Now we can move on to the intricate details of weddin’ planning!

 

On being the grown-up

Doing a lot of thinking about telling my parents we’re getting married. That sounds like the sort of conversation that should be joyful, but as with so many things in families, it’s more complicated than it should be. My mom (who is the Minister of Foreign Affairs in their household) really doesn’t like Z, although over the last three or so years of our six-year relationship, she has been civil to him most of the time.

So Goddess knows how that’s going to go. I really hate drama. I will ride to the end of the Earth on an ill-fitting bicycle to avoid conflict. But my mom is a fucking drama queen. I don’t use that choice of words to be cruel. She was dealt a tough hand in her life, didn’t have healthy role models growing up, and has exhibited a lot of strength and wit in getting by as an adult. BUT. She doesn’t have a mature approach to dealing with people who are different than her set of ideals. (Z has flaws. I get it. But she can’t get past her perception of those flaws.)

Although she does try, she also doesn’t really have a handle on when it’s appropriate to just let me live my life. (Case in point – she called me yesterday all worried about whether or not I pluck my eyebrows. She is seriously worried that, should I pluck my eyebrows, they’ll never grow back and I will regret it terribly when I’m older. Of course, I reassured her that I would never do such a thing. Because really, do I want to have a fight about my eyebrows? I do not.)

So all this is to say that, while I want to do the right thing, and have my parents over for a nice dinner and tell them, like a group of mature adults that Z and I have decided to solemnize our relationship, there is a very real potential that it could all go sideways. Best case scenario: a sort of horrified silence, and an undertone of sadness to the rest of the evening, because they have GOT to have seen this coming. Worst case scenario: sobbing, insane accusations, damaged relationships.

We’re going to do it anyways, because the time is here for me to be the grownup in my relationship with my parents. I need to set the tone of mature, compassionate interactions. If I think telling them we’re getting married is going to be a gong show, wait until we tell them we’re having a baby. Wait until we tell them that baby is going to the supreme evil DAYCARE. (Remember the eyebrow conversation? Well my mom doesn’t believe in daycare. Jesus.)

Grown-up me. Strong me. While I certainly have the capacity to over-think anything at all, I am reasonably sure that this is what I want. Z and I have a low-drama, supportive relationship, and we make each other happy. I know there is nothing worse than parental disapproval – I remember my friend M all in knots when he first moved in with his then-girlfriend, because his Catholic parents disapproved. It’s a terrible feeling. But the solution is just to be sensitive and considerate of them, and try to have a mature relationship with them WHILE LIVING YOUR LIFE. And that’s what we are planning to do. Next weekend.

Vacation Thoughts

Unbelievable! I am on a weekend out of town with my true love and some friends and NO homework. I didn’t even bring my laptop, although my ability to brag about this might be somewhat diminished by the fact that we have Z’s laptop.

But anyways!

Something I’ve been looking forward to since being buried in the solitary caverns of grad school is DOING NEW STUFF. Like setting goals other than “forsake all other activities and social interaction until completing thesis.” Here are some of those goals:

– Socialize more with my awesome friends and their kids
– Start going to music jams again
– Organize our wedding for the spring of 2011
– Cook more
– Make a household budget of earnings, savings, expenses and donations
– Do some activism out in the real planet or community

The socializing and music tasks are underway. (Behold: on vacation with a tribe of about a dozen – it’s Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend and I am so thankful for these people!)

When we get home, the next step is to announce our engagement to my parents. In person. With both of us present. Yikes.

Weddin’ Planning

With the returning of the sun after midwinter, I have been kicking my own ass about getting this wedding set up. The next year is going to bring a lot of changes, including maybe moving out of town together, and hopefully getting closer to starting a family. I get the sense that if we do believe in getting formally hitched, then the right time is to do it before all this turmoil and settling down happens, a commitment that we step into that future together.

Gorgeous photo by James Jordan. All hail the Creative Commons.The first thing I did was hie me to my local public library to borrow a copy of Dan Savage’s The Commitment. The man’s been shaping my understanding of sex and relationships since I was a teenager. He had a weekly radio show in Seattle, and every week, somebody would *drive up to a Washington University with a tape of the show* and the university radio station would broadcast it in the middle of the night on Sundays. I lived on the top of a mountain in deepest suburbia just over the Canadian border, and had a boom box rigged up with a bunch of wires tied to the antenna… I listened to his show every week, including such highlights as live fisting and penis tattooing. And then Monday morning, I would fall asleep on the school bus.

But I digress. Mr. Savage is very wise when it comes to the human heart – and when he writes about marriage from the perspective of American gays, it is without the straight-people social pressures. Nobody expects gay people to get married in the States, where it’s not even legal (shame!). So when two gay Americans who have done A LOT of research go through all the trouble of coming to Canada to get married for their own peace of mind, it means that they see something really valuable in the formal commitment. After devouring the book in two days (and so much crying!) I think I agree with Dan Savage that getting married means taking a responsibility that adults who make a life together really should shoulder. Especially if there are kids on the way, it means that we promise to do our very best to be a team and provide a stable foundation of love and support.

But, for us Canadians, gay, straight and otherwise, who decide to get married, there is also that matter of signing a legal contract. The contract has a lot of fine print which most people don’t read. Step two of this weddin’ planning business is learning what that contract says, and what parts of it we don’t like.

I hied me again to the library, to borrow a book about prenuptual agreements called What to Do before I Do. It was helpfully filed in the dysfunctional section of the little branch library out by the university, right between Surviving a Divorce and Alcoholism and You. Its all about American law (what we Canadians endure) but I think it should be a good start.

Contemplating prenups is about as much fun as taking out my own tonsils, but what’s going to be really awesome is coming up with the cash to hire TWO lawyers, which you need to make a prenup valid. That, in turn, is only going to be half as awesome as dealing with my parents on this whole issue. But I do think it has to be done.

In less fraught news, I learned last night that a good friend is a totally amazing baker and cake decorator. That takes care of sourcing a cake.